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| Tuesday, June 18 | 0 comments
18 June 2013 0100hours : Who am I kidding? I have so much to say, so much to pour out. But I'm tired.Despite all this, I have to tell myself that it's no use to say anything cos at the end of the day, I was the one at fault. If I didn't lay a hand on you that fateful night,all this would not have happened. Perhaps, the one I fell in love with will still be here. I can't be bothered to paragraph my words.Whatmore with the hazy situation. Those stupid tears, they keep coming back. Remember last week or so, you asked how come I sound so sad? Well, I was actually crying my lungs out. I just miss you, the old you. But I still can't accept the fact that Faris Papers will never come back. And I only have myself to blame. Right now, I am trying so hard to make you happy just like before . I really am trying. But I guess it's never gonna be enough. Whenever I share with you good news, it's like you don't seem to be sharing the joy with me. I called you when I received the letter from NIE. But you didn't seem happy about it. It still hurts till now. And when I told you about my driving lessons, you didn't seem to be happy for me either. You may call me self centered, but it's good news for me and that I just wanted to share it with you. I know alot has happened. And I know you lost alot. I'm sorry I couldn't stop you on time, then maybe you wouldn't have lost so much. I don't even know if you're gonna be reading this. I am kidding myself if I were to tell you that I feel happy. Yes, I'm happy being with you, but it's not the same already. And yes I get it, it's my fault. You said that I was your priority too. But how come I don't feel like I am? Yes I appreciate all that you've done for me, you treated me alot and showered me with alot of stuff. My post here has no proper flow but it doesn't matter.When I donned the hijab, I could see it very clearly that you do not like it. And it pains me. Everyone else is supporting me in this change except you. I know I'm not all decent but im trying and taking steps to improve myself. Because of this alone, I've thought of taking a step back and well, ask for a break up. Cos I know right now, you are looking for someone who looks pretty alongside you, someone who is carefree, gets to stay out late and all that cool stuff. I may be wrong, but that is just how I feel. I feel that I do not deserve you and that it is best for me to end things. But I can't. I still love you that's why. You know, I feel so useless that I can't help you overcome your problems. You always say you have no mood to continue with whatever you're doing. It pains me to hear that. But I'm in pain myself. I know that when you love someone, you don't have to say it. But why is it that I feel so much pain whenever you seem to be oblivious to my affectionate tone? Me : "Hello sayang! I love you! " You: "Hello! Haha. What you doing? "Yea, it's my fault right that you don't call me those terms anymore. If you noticed, I have also stopped calling you all that. I reply you late, I maintain a cheerful tone etc. That's only cos I don't want to feel any pain each time you become oblivious. I love you, I really do. But I don't know whether you still do. I'm sorry I shouldn't be selfish. I know you're not the expressive sort. I know you're busy with work and you will be very tired. I understand that sayang. I try to drop hints about how I feel. But I have to stop that cos you would think that I'm being emotional.At the end of the day, whatever I've written doesn't matter. Cos you're not gonna be reading this. Nonetheless, I will still show that I love you albeit it being a little less affectionate. Are you even happy to be with me? Cos I am. I really am blessed to have you. I love you. You used to say that you want me to be by your side always. Now that I'm no longer the one that you first fell in love with, do you still want me to be by your side? it's not that I don't trust our relationship, it's just that I know that I no longer deserve you cos you my boy, deserve someone better than me. I love you, way too much.
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 Allah Family, Dearest, Friends What more can I ask for? ♥ Designer/codes: AddictedLove Basecodes: Niszke Uzana |
